And So It Continues…

22Jul10

I’m sorry, I have to apologise, for I have been a very bad Blogger; for it has been exactly two months since my update. However, I do of course have a number of excuses to offer you.

Firstly, and most importantly, is that I had my final A Level Exams. I shan’t dwell on what I cannot change, but all I know now is that in less than a months’ time I shall know how horribly wrong the whole ordeal actually went. I’ve come to my own personal firm acceptance that the likelihood of me getting into my first choice Uni is next to nothing, but I’m happy with my Insurance, and actually, the more I come to think of it, it puts me more out of the way from people (including friends and family) who I want to escape. (More on that later)

Secondly, as always, my life seems to be the epicentre of boredom. According to all of my teachers (who, apart from dreaded Results Day, I won’t have any reason to see again), this is the “best summer of [my] life”. In all honesty, now, some two months after having finished school, and under a month of completing my last exam, the prospect of having another two and half months waiting dormant ahead of me, filled by yet more nothingness, just fills me with sickness.

This of course brings me back to updating on what hasn’t been occurring in my life since May 21^st. Apart from numbing my brain with endless weeks of revision, numerous exams, and incessant forgetfulness, the rest of my time has actually been spent sitting at home doing nothing, or frantically searching for a job. Apparently no one wants to hire me. Knobs, the lot of them! I would like to say they are losing out, but in fact, it’s more the other way round. With no money, and no income this summer, and any Uni preparations I will need to make are going to be rather crap.

I did however manage to get myself into London for Pride. This, I have to admit, was my first time attending the London event; I’ve previously attended Brighton Pride twice, and I absolutely love it. Whilst I can’t say London matches up with the energy, and the whole atmosphere that Brighton has to offer, it was still a really enjoyable day.

I managed to get rather drunk (drinking beer and cider, despite actually hating both drinks), and ended up talking complete and utter crap to some lovely lesbians that my friends and I met. Shamefully though, I failed in any attempt to ‘pull’, and for reasons that my drunk, and now sober mind cannot comprehend, none of us made it to any of the after-parties that we all wanted to gate-crash.

There was however one particular person, who I shall refer to as Brunette. She was very, very, nice. I spoke to her for some time (in my drunken state, of course – I wouldn’t have the courage anyway); but I soon learned she had her eyes on my friend. My friend who happens to have a boyfriend (she’s the bisexual one), and now complains to me on a daily basis that she “can’t decide” between her existing boyfriend, and flirting Brunette. Of course, when she phones me daily to have this little moan, I sit and listen uncomfortably, adding in the “Umms”, “Yeahs” and appropriate “Ohhs” when I need to. But mainly I sit and think “Fuck you”.

After spending my entire life being such an unloved, lonely, shit lesbian that I am, it’s extremely frustrating to have a friend who complains about having too many people. And what do you say to someone when you have absolutely no advice to give, other than to stop being such a heartless, greedy bitch?

Maybe I’m being a little crass, but it’s annoying. I’m fed up of going out with her and the rest of my friends, and having to be constantly reminded of how fucking good she is getting with people, “I just snogged that girl”, “that boy over there just groped my arse”, “I just got off with my fourth person this night”.

This brings me around to my current state, and predicament. It’s taken two months, but it’s finally hit me, I’ve left school, FOREVER. This means that beyond Results Day (shudder), I never, ever, have a reason or an excuse, or even the chance (unless by coincidence) to ever see Ms. Smith ever, ever again! And this hurts. It hurts like hell.

See, the other day I had to back to school to help with something, to do with her department. But the week before I went into school my mind began plaguing itself with thoughts of her; her eyes, her body, her voice, just, absolutely and utterly everything about her that I like – which turns out to be absolutely everything about her. I was having dreams about her again (not that I can complain, of course), and whenever her name came into my head, or I came across her subject folder strewn across my bedroom floor (along with everything else mind you), I would get the same agonising, and yet warming sinking feeling as I did whenever I bumped into her around school.

Then of course I got to see her again, and we stood, we talked for a bit, I got lost staring into her eyes, and it literally took every ounce of energy and strength within me to not just take hold of her, and hold her within my arms. I realised too, that doing this would be extremely creepy, and would no-doubt result in some sort of arrest, or assisted removal from the school grounds.

Fuck, I sound like a freak. But it was horrible, and it’s even more horrible now sitting in my bedroom feeling like I’ve lost the one woman who I think can ever make me happy.

I know I’m young, and I know there are plenty more other people out there, but “Love is Blind”, and when you’re that close to someone who you’ve lusted over, and wanted, and loved for so long, knowing that you’re unlikely to see them, or be near them again – it’s heartbreaking.

So now, instead of enjoying what should be the best summer of my life, I’m sat at home, alone, pondering over unrequited love, wishing that I had someone to snuggle up to. Matters are made worse now that I am officially the only person in my friend group who is not loved up in some form or another, and being surrounded by couples, means I am more or less constantly surrounded by people who have the one thing that I really, really, really, really, want. It’s depressing.

I shall not add to the length of this blog with even more tales of my unhappiness and woe, (because believe me, there is more – arguments’an’all – but I shall save that for another post).

X

P.S: I realised that my lost Blog was posted before my Prom, so I feel I should do a quick update on how that went.

So the Friday dawned, and there I was walking about the school, feeling untouchable. Ms. Smith was going to be there, I was going to be there, alcohol was going to be there, loud music and the like would be present, and it was perfect. I felt so happy. I had my outfit planned and sorted, and I was looking forward to it, immensely.

Then, as I walking about during lunch I bumped into Ms. Smith, who greeted me in her usual way, asked me how I was, and if I was looking forward to the Prom, “Yes, I’m really excited” I replied, sneakily eying her up. She then, as I presumed she was off to the Staff Room was in need of another coffee said as she began to walk again “Well I hope you have good time”, to which I replied “Aren’t you going to be there?”, at which point, she stopped, turned back around, and my heart must’ve fallen out of my bum, because the look on her face, and the tone of her voice told me she wasn’t. Something to do with the teacher’s list being messed up, and some teachers now not being able to go, or something. Honestly, in the space of a millionth of a second I went from being the happiest version of me, ever, to complete and utter internal mess. I figured she must have realised my distress as she tried to tell me “It’s alright though, Miss Jones is going to be there” to which I thought “I want you there, not her”. After talking for a few minutes, I sulked off.

Hours and hours later at the prom (and after a bottle of wine, I needed it), I was standing with some friends, taking photos when Miss Jones came over, “Ms Smith asked me to get some photos seeing as she couldn’t be here tonight”, so we all posed, giving our best smiles. Then Miss Jones continued – AND I SWEAR ON MY LIFE THAT THIS HAPPENED AS I’M ABOUT TO WRITE IT – “You know that thing, about that person, well, they know”. She literally said that to me, in front of a bunch of my friends, and a load of other students, to which I turned the colour of a tomato and said “What?!?” to which she only smiled. A couple of my peers from my Maths class were there too, and knew exactly what she was on about, and we all just stood around in utter disbelief.

I spent the rest of the evening feeling vaguely sick, and Miss Jones kept giving me reassuring but knowing smiles.

Then the next and final week of school, everything continued as normal. Then came the last Maths lesson, and we all just sat and spoke to one another. Ms Smith made a little speech about it being weird that anyone could think that “forty year olds and eighteen year olds could hang around each other”.

Final and last day of school, a few of my friends and I decided to rule-break, and get drunk at school (why not, eh?), so by half nine in the morning we were all utterly off of our faces. Once all of the formalities had been completed (final assembly etc), we all went off down to the pub. I had more to drink (not such a great idea), and by 3:30pm, I was wobbling around everywhere and talking complete and utter crap. Just as I was about to leave, SHE, Ms Smith walked in. She offered to buy me a drink, “Vodka and coke please”,

“Do you want a double?”

“Err, no thanks… I’ve already had a bit to drink”,

“Oh, are you sure, you can have a double if you like?”

“No thanks”

So she got me a single, and we all sat down. Then for reasons that I cannot quite remember we were talking about gay teachers at school (don’t ask me how, I was very drunk at this point). Then, the teacher who is close friends with Ms Smith who apparently already knew about my liking for her began speaking to me. We were talking about Miss Jones, and she asked me, “Do you like her?”

Now, bearing in mind that I was completely and utterly off of my face; and when I am in said state pretty much everything that is said to me is processed by my mind as something to do with sex. Don’t ask why, my mind is fucking weird.

So, with this in mind, I automatically answered “No”, with me thinking that she asked me if I liked her, as in, did I fancy her.

Then I quickly realised what she probably meant to say, my mind catching on to the fact that she wasn’t one of my friends who tends to ask me awkward questions when I am drunk, but a teacher, who was probably asking a very innocent question, I began spewing out more words along the lines of:

“Oh, no, no, no! I do like her, she’s a really good teacher, and her lessons are really fun!”

I continued on with that for about a minute, hoping to at least convince her that I hadn’t just shunned one of my teachers, whilst sat next to the teacher who I must definitely wanted to get into the pants of.

This other teacher just looked at me, gave me yet another reassuring-but-knowing smile.

MOST EMBARRASSING CONVERSATION WITH A TEACHER EVER.

Moral of the lesson? Don’t talk to teachers – especially teachers who are aware of your love for other teachers – whilst completely and utterly drunk.

(See, I told you, it would only be a quick update!)

Filed under: Friends, Life, Love, Me, School   |  Leave a Comment
Tags: A Level, A2, Alcohol, drunk, Exams, Love, Lust, Prom, School, Student, teacher, University